It didn’t enter my mind to kill him.

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It didn’t enter my mind to kill him.

March 4, 2012 by John Knight

Paul is dozing in his ‘soft rocking chair’ at the moment, a picture of contentment on a snowy day in March. Many people would envy the ease with which he lives – no anxiety about his needs, no worries about tomorrow, no jealousy about what anybody else has.

When I tell the story about Paul’s birth, I include the first 15 seconds of his entry into the world as some of the happiest moments of my life. The sudden news of his not having eyes immediately changed how I thought about him, not because there was any deficiency in him but because I did not understand and cling to the sovereignty of God over all things. And that day turned into a nightmare of doctors and interviews and tests – and my soul was crushed, frightened and anxious.

But it never entered my mind to kill him. I’m glad for that.

I wonder, if I had been a student of Peter Singer, Michael Tooley, John Harris or Alberto Giubilini and Francesca Minerva, if I would have lingered over such a thought.

God is merciful in many ways, including even the thoughts he spared me from having.

But even if I had entertained such a horror, there is still hope to live free from the guilt of bad memories.

Just consider the Apostle Paul. We’re introduced to him as Saul in Acts 8:

But Saul was ravaging the church, and entering house after house, he dragged off men and women and committed them to prison. (Acts 8:3 ESV)

Yet, God would literally blind him so that he could see Jesus more clearly. And he would later write some of the most comforting words to those who see their own sin for what it is:

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2 ESV)

Because of Jesus, we are free from old, sinful ways and horrible thoughts. We are free to love and live to show God is our greatest treasure.

Still, I’m glad I never had the thought to end his young life 16 years ago.

Posted in commentary, Scripture | 6 Comments

6 Responses

on March 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm | Reply Janet McNeil

Thank you, Sir for your transparency and humility. Give Paul a hug from one who knows the forgiveness of a great Savour.
on March 4, 2012 at 5:44 pm | Reply Brenda Fischer

When I read the article this past week in the Journal of Medical Ethics with its arguments for “aborting” babies after they are born, I thought it must have been written as a parody, sort of demonstrating absurdity by being absurd. When I realized that the authors are actually arguing for this, I felt despair. Thanks for sharing a glimpse of Paul’s life with us and bringing some wisdom and truth into all this craziness.
on March 4, 2012 at 9:33 pm | Reply Liza Lenquist

Out of the love you feel for your blind child, you came to the conclusion that women who you have never met should not abort pregnancies in other families. Why not just live your life in the best way possible, and stop casting the first stone? Is all this finger pointing anything like what Christ taught? To me it seems entirely different in character. Christianity is “taught” with joy and acceptance, and felt when others can sense our total lack of judgement. They are not fooled by our moralizing and politicalizing of our “religious” views.
on March 5, 2012 at 9:13 am | Reply Richard Haney

It seems to me that it is an honorable thing to cast the first stone if that stone condemns wickedness and promotes the truth of G-D.
on March 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm | Reply Tammy

This is so true: God is merciful in many ways, including even the thoughts he spared me from having.

Thanks for sharing.
on March 5, 2012 at 2:40 pm | Reply waynebradley

Can anyone honestly read the Gospels and believe that Jesus did not point out sin and condemn it?