In response to yesterday’s post, Elisabeth asked the question, “how (do) you help people know how to talk to you about disability in a way that is helpful and life-giving.”
That’s a huge question!
Three things immediately came to mind. I’m hoping more of you will add to this conversation:
1) I remember who I am in Christ, both what I have been saved from and who I am today in him.
Hurtful comments usually come out of ignorance rather than malice, in my experience. When I remember what a slave I am to sin except for the work of God in my life, I am less likely to attach bad motives to simple ignorance. I certainly get tired of ignorant comments, so I am not suggesting that is easy. Yet, even those comments that are meant to hurt are nothing like my own offense against God.
When I am most disciplined about being in the Bible, remembering the horrible reality of my own sin and the incredible, transformative power of Jesus Christ, I am more likely to ask God for help in replying to hurtful comments.
And he has helped me, time and again, to respond with grace, ‘seasoned with salt’ (Colossians 4:6). Even times I’ve felt like I’ve fumbled around, battling my own desire to attack rather than educate, people have said they were helped by something I said. Those moments are certainly providing examples of God’s sovereign goodness in helping!
My continuing problem seems to be that when I anticipate a situation might be hard, I am more likely to be in prayer about it. But when I become complacent, comments from out-of-the-blue leave me ready to respond quickly and rashly. Then I have to back up, apologize, and start over.
But in every instance, even when people want to know things so they can serve us and love us, we must make ourselves vulnerable, letting people into our lives in ways we might otherwise not choose but for this circumstance of disability in our families. In Christ, that vulnerability is actually a strength – our God has already called us from death to life, what can man do to us?
So, how to help people on this subject? Ask God for help, then walk in faith.
2) Being part of a community who knows and loves me and my family.
Long-term, Christ-exalting relationships are incredibly helpful. First, over time these people who are already oriented toward loving me with a Christ-like love come to know things that are helpful. They naturally fall into patterns that leave exchanges, even on difficult topics, much easier. They are safe. In the context of such relationships, the person who slips up has a deep well of good-will on which to draw.
And the Holy Spirit helps here as well. I remember back in 1996 some of the more elderly members of Bethlehem were seeking us out. I remember one exchange where a dear older saint used terms for disability that even in 1996 were considered not just old-fashioned, but offensive. The Holy Spirit did not allow those words to become the focus (which was a gift; I certainly was not yet asking God for help then like I do today!), but rather he let me feel the outpouring of affection for me and for my wife and little boy. Her heart was rightly oriented toward us, and God let me see that heart.
Out of these safe places to talk about hard things, I also see what lands on people as helpful verses frightening, divisive, bitter or defensive. I have different responses for children vs. adults, academic settings vs. family settings, formal vs. informal, etc. 15 years has given me a lot of experience!
3) Out of this community, God creates ambassadors who go out ahead of me.
I know there is a great deal I do not deal with any longer because others have already done so on my behalf.
That’s a quick, top-of-mind response. I may have more later as I think on it.
How would you respond to Elisabeth’s question? What have you found to be helpful in helping others talk with you about disability?
The Works of God 
Hi John
I had this video link sent to me a while back. It is a video that was posted on Justin Taylors Blog. It is an interview with David Powlison, and it addresses this very topic.
His idea is that the more comfortable that we can be in discussing our disability and/or difference, than the more comfortable others will be in talking about it.
I found for myself that this is an effective method, now. This was not always the case for me, as I would be regualrily tempted to sin by the very comments that you mentioned above. God had not yet brought me to a place of seeing disability and difference for what it truly was. God has brought me that place of loving disability, not so much the hard days, but the growth that He has done in those around me, my family, and myself.
Powlison says in his video that “we have the opportunity to serve others by helping the to undertand God’s spectrum of difference, that they may not have understood before.
I am now able to put this strategy into practice. Prior to that I just seemed to be inviting the temptation to sin.
I hope this helps you, it did for me.
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2010/04/06/thinking-about-autism-from-a-christian-perspective/
Jason
I am ever aware that we are in the spotlight in public when we have Michael with us. Adults try not to stare, but I have observed even babies gaze at Michael with interest. I see these moments as an opportunity to show others how much we love this Fox and to explain why he does certain behaviors, ie sensory seeking behaviors. In so doing, I am trying to communicate the value of his life and how much he is cherished by not only us in his family, but by God. I do so by hugging him, talking to him, smooching him, and just being attentive to his needs. If people say things that are awkward, I chalk it up to “they just don’t know” and hope that we have made a grain of salt, size dent in that knowledge deficit. I try not to waste energy on it.
What is more difficult for me is when people just do not value Michael’s life. That fills my heart with sorrow. There is a different kind of knowledge deficit there. It is one that does not know Christ or understands His ways.