My wife recently enjoyed a great evening with other moms of children with disabilities.
Apparently the subject of “things people say to us” came up.
A popular one we have all heard is “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Generally in a group of parents with disabled children, people will either start to laugh uproariously at how ridiculous this is, or begin to weep at the burden of constantly not measuring up. Why? Because disability is hard and we know it is way more than we can handle.
This statement is particularly hard because it sounds scriptural, sort of:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
Pastor John wrote a nice article on this text way back in 1976, and this recent blog entry by Aaron Armstrong on Blogging Theologically also does a good job examining the 1 Corinthians 10:13 text.
But even knowing this more accurate biblical context, how do you respond when somebody says that to you?
Here are a few things I try to keep in mind:
- They mean well. They don’t generally get it (otherwise they wouldn’t say it), but they really want to say something helpful. And they certainly don’t want to make things harder on us.
- They are usually REALLY happy not to have to deal with what you have been given. From that viewpoint, they do understand something of your situation; you probably wouldn’t have chosen to deal with it, either.
- They are exposing their understanding of who God is, and are opening a door for you to explain who God really is. God wants us to be entirely dependent on him (see Psalm 40 for how good this is!), because that is the kindest thing possible. We will not learn dependence on God if we can ‘handle’ it ourselves.
- God understands what he has given us ‘to handle’ and knows exactly how it will bring him glory and will work out for our good.
- I know that if I respond in anger (or worse, with violence), that I have just extended the amount of time I need to deal with this statement. And, yes, I have wanted to punch people in the nose who have said this to me. Just not lately, because God continues to teach me his character and how good he really is to me in light of my sin.
So, as I think about it, I am considering saying this the next time I hear that statement said to me:
Thank you for wanting to encourage me. In fact, God does give me more than I can handle, and I am grateful to experience his strength in my weakness.
What do you think of that? Would that make things better or worse?
I wonder why you feel the “need” to say anything at all? Especially words that would appear pious, condescending, Or just plain unnecessary? Does it benefit The Kingdom?
Yoy’ve said it yourself…these people are hurting
For you and your family…and only hope to encourage. It always goes Back to the intention of the heart. Why does YOUR heart feel the need to respond to “inappropriateness…that is NOT even an unkindness”?
Gid bless you…I enjoy ur “Works”… But I
Sense an un-Christlike attitude in you at times…
“Punch someone in the nose”…REALLY?
REALLY?
What would Jesus do?
God bless you and your fearfully and
Wonderfully made family,
Denise
Read the rest of the paragraph….”And, yes, I have wanted to punch people in the nose who have said this to me. Just not lately, because God continues to teach me his character and how good he really is to me in light of my sin.”
I appreciate John’s honesty, I can identify with so much of this post. It’s a well thought out response to ignorance. It seems pious to me to not admit to those feelings of frustration and exasperation, both with life and with people! I love most of all the heart of the post, that God is sovereign and working in and through us to accomplish His purposes. Even in the challenging times of raising a child with disabilities, He is good.
This is something my wife and I have talked a lot about too ever since giving birth to micro-preemies, one of which with severe disabilities. My wife says it best: “There isn’t anything small enough that God has given us to ‘handle’ entirely on our own in the first place.” This is the God who upholds the universe with the word of his power, after all! At best we can say that God promises us to never suffer more than He suffered on the cross and he never allows us to suffer without offering us a gift that is greater than the suffering.
[…] The unfortunate things people say John Knight explains why you should not say “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” to parents of disabled children. […]
We have a son with multiple handicaps, and yes, I have occassionally felt like punching someone (even someone who I realized in retrospect was well-meaning). I am also a Christian. Seems being a Christian does not always keep me from such feelings, but it has kept me from acting on them.
No perfection this side of heaven.
This post has been haunting me since I first read it. Why? It’s hard to articulate.
I feel there’s so much wisdom here that I really need and lessons that I need to learn. I am new to the world of disability first hand — my daughter was born with down’s syndrome a year ago and just recently was admitted to the hospital and is still in the hospital (I am writing from there). She’s having seizures that the docs are trying to control with only limited results so far.
The comments you made John about people not getting it and and being happy they don’t have to deal with what you are dealing with — wow, that so resonates with me. I realize that I am still in the anger phase so often, and jealousy too. Combine that with the fact that I have an unsupportive family — my mother makes comments about having my daughter “committed” so I don’t have to “deal with it.” And then I still struggle with oppressive pain from growing up with an abusive father and being tormented in school, beaten up, spit on, bullied, and molested when I was 8.
I guess I felt like when I finally was an adult and got free of the bullies at school and my father at home, God owed me. Isn’t that so terrible? When I hear John Piper talk about joy and delighting in God, I feel like I am so far away from that, it’s like seeing a video from another country. I have always struggled with assurance of salvation, and that’s probably why — I’m so far from where I need to be. Your posts help me, John, because I feel that there is hope for me, it may take years, but there is hope. I appreciate your being honest with us about your struggles.