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Archive for the ‘Helpful things’ Category

Helpful Things: Gift Cards

Posted in Helpful things, tagged , on September 23, 2009| 1 Comment »

When Dianne was in active treatment for her cancer (chemo, surgery, radiation), we had an army of people providing things for us.  God was doing an extraordinary thing for us, and we knew it and were (and still are!) very grateful that he provided so abundantly!

The most common thing was meals – and what meals they were!  Only the best, usually completely home-made from scratch and enough for three days.  Think Thanksgiving at Grandma’s house, Christmas with the in-laws and Easter with your best friends.  That was the quality of food we were getting.

This was happening three times a week, every week, for more than nine months.  We were certainly cared for very well in that arena.

Occasionally somebody would give us a gift card for a restaurant instead.  And that was a different kind of treat.  We could go whenever we felt like it, it was usually to someplace we wouldn’t normally go, and we got to choose the food, or have a variety of things.  And gift cards are better than giving money – money would probably go to an existing expense rather than to the rest and recreation you intend to provide (and they may need).

So, if you are stumped on how to help a family with a disabled member, gift cards are an option and should not be considered impersonal or unwanted.  Sometimes they are just the right thing.  But make sure the restaurant has take-out, just in case the family really can’t get out of the house.

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Helpful Things: Mature, Wise, Christ-Exalting Veteran Parents

Posted in Helpful things on September 17, 2009| 3 Comments »

Every church needs at least one couple who have been through long-term, intense suffering and who continue to praise God for his goodness in the midst of their hardships.  Families that include a child or children with disabilities benefit greatly from the wisdom of parents who have been there – and are still standing.  Just knowing they exist God uses to bring hope to other families! (more…)

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Special Event for Fathers of Children with Disabilities

Posted in Helpful things, Special Events, tagged , , on September 14, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Every man touched by disability in his family who is near the Twin Cities should plan on attending this free event on October 17.

Pastor Kempton Turner, a father with a disabled child, will again be the keynote speaker at a special breakfast event for fathers at Grace Church in Eden Prairie.  It will be held on Saturday, October 17 at 9:00 a.m.

Kempton has a powerful personal testimony of God’s sovereign goodness in giving him his child with significant disabilities.  And it is good for men to get together to encourage and build each other up!  The breakfast is also first-rate.

To register for this free event, contact Chuck Peterson at 952-361-9789 or by e-mail at chukkarn@infinityathome.net. Deadline is October 8, 2009

If you are still not convinced, please consider listening to an earlier presentation he made to fathers that can be found here. After hearing him, you will want to attend!

I look forward to seeing you there!

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Helpful Things – God-Centered Poetry: Part 2

Posted in Helpful things, tagged , , , on September 4, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Dianne’s post yesterday on Pastor John’s reading of a poem highlighted several things that are helpful for parents of children with disabilities:

  1. We still long for and love beautiful things.  The intensity and the chaos and feelings of being overwhelmed by everything that is associated with disability do not (entirely) crowd out our appreciation for soul-enriching nourishment that comes from art and music and books and good conversation.
  2. The Holy Spirit is powerful in his ability to use things like God-centered poetry to make much of God and help us see who God really is.  I believe the key words here are ‘God-centered.’
  3. Dianne was touched by it because she was able to hear the sermon!  This meant that somebody else was caring for Paul at that moment.   The love and care provided to us as parents when people care for our children, as highlighted here, allows for many other important things to happen.

We should not be surprised that God would provide such good gifts.  The writer of Ecclesiastes embeds this powerful and wonderful statement about God, beauty, creation, and sovereignty as he teaches:

(God) has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man. I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

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Helpful Things – God-Centered Poetry

Posted in Helpful things, tagged , , on September 3, 2009| 1 Comment »

Guest Post from Dianne Knight:

Pastor John read this poem during a sermon.  When I first heard it I cried because it made me think of how God is really in control of everything and how he loves us personally and acts in our lives specifically and for specific reasons. Also, because of this poem I learned a bit about Martha Snell Nicholson, the author, and her life story is very inspiring too.

The Thorn
(a “mendicant” is a beggar)

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

–Martha Snell Nicholson

(Note: This poem was read during Pastor John’s 2001 Sermon, “To Be a Mother is a Call to Suffer.“)

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The Helpful Things People Do or Say – Extreme Patience

Posted in Helpful things, tagged , , , on September 2, 2009| Leave a Comment »

One of the children I referenced yesterday has grown up, completed college, successfully started her chosen career, and serves us by being a regular Disability Aid for Paul at church.  This allows Dianne and I to go to worship together.  This young woman has done so for at least seven years, and possibly longer because I’ve lost track.

She practices extreme patience with us.  There have been countless times over those years when something came up at the last minute – generally a child not feeling well – and we didn’t (or neglected to) call or email her.

She has never once complained about our behavior, even though we know it has inconvenienced her more than once.  And she loves our boy, who also never objects to going to church when she is with him. It is very sweet to see them together.

Like her parents, she treasures Jesus above everything, and she wants us to do so as well.  So, she puts up with us.  And God has used her to build up our faith, our endurance, and our trust in him.  I am grateful to God for her!

Most of all, she lives out 1 Peter 4:8-9 for the Knight family:

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.

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The Helpful Things People Do or Say – Include Your Children

Posted in Helpful things, tagged , , , on September 1, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Many years ago, some people who became very precious friends entered into a very dark place – my wife’s and my life.  We were bitter, scared, overwhelmed, and discouraged following the birth and subsequent care of our boy with multiple disabilities. It was the time when we gave up on God and the church.

This couple did many wonderful things for us in the strength God provided them, and one of the most important things they did was include their children.

Their children had been taught very well about God’s good creation, and they also had been taught very well about how to care for and enjoy babies.

So, while I would sit at their dinner table, arguing with their dad about how God in fact was not good and not right and not helpful and most certainly bad, and capricious and cruel, their children played with my baby boy.

They treated him like a baby boy. They figured out things that made him laugh.  They sang songs to them.  They made funny noises.  These four children surrounded that one child and actually enjoyed him.  Very few people actually showed any enjoyment in Paul.  Most people were a little frightened of him. Not these kids, ages 9 to 16 if I remember corrrectly.

God was at work in those four children as they played.  Even in the intensity of those early months of Paul’s life, God was using their sweet, simple enjoyment to prevent my stoney heart from becoming entirely hard, or, more likely, to begin softening it.

I realize this can’t always happen, and as parents we need to be careful about who is playing with our children.  These were unusual young people.  They had spent a lot of time with and were entirely comfortable with babies with a good understanding what was appropriate and what wasn’t, and I knew that.  My Paul also was not medically fragile, as so many children with diseases or disabilities are.

But when possible, there is something precious about older children playing with younger children that God uses to reveal who he is.  And I know it also made their own mother and father happy as well, and proved Proverbs 20:7 true:

The righteous who walks in his integrity—blessed are his children after him!

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The Helpful Things People Do or Say – Treat All My Kids the Same Differently

Posted in Helpful things, tagged , , on August 31, 2009| 5 Comments »

For those of us who have been given the gift of more than one child, and one of those children has a disability, we know it is hard for friends and family to know how to talk to us about our children.

After all, we’re a moving target: are we having a season of good, stable days with our kids?  Are we in the midst of some difficult situation?  Are we consumed with the issues surrounding the child with the disability?  Are our non-disabled children doing something significant and interesting?  Is that all happening at the same time?

Most families are moving targets, of course.  But having a disabled family member seems to ramp up the complications, and those complications are often unusual.  So it makes it a little, or a lot, more difficult to know how to talk with us about our children.

Which leads to two common mistakes people make:

  1. Not talking to us at all, or avoiding any talk about any of our children.
  2. Concentrating all talk to either the child with the disability, or the children without disabilities.

My parents, as we celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary this weekend, reminded me of their remarkable ability to treat all their grandchildren and great-children uniquely with the same affections.

These 13 (16 if you count spouses, and my parents love their three granddaughters-in-law as well) individuals are so very different, from age (29 years to 3 weeks), education (pursuing a Ph.D. to not-yet-kindergarten), physical abilities (quite fit police officer to completely helpless babies), or even musical abilities (composer to no musical abilities at all).

But they most certainly talk about and with all those children!

My parents love them all in ways that show they know them as individuals, appreciate their particular giftings, delight in their accomplishments, are confident they can get through hard times, and never, in any circumstance, stop loving them.  They are wonderful examples.

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Now, certainly, grandparents have a particular interest in knowing and encouraging their legacy.  And we have also been blessed by people who take a particular interest in a child of mine; I’ll post about that later.

But it is a good lesson for anyone who wants to be helpful: demonstrate an interest in all my children.

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Why It is Good That Disease and Disability Make Us Dependent on Others

Posted in Helpful things, tagged , on August 29, 2009| Leave a Comment »

This is actually part two of the helpful things people say or do series.

As my family started our weekend celebration of mom’s and dad’s 60th wedding anniversary last night, I realized that all the women in that room have lived with me for periods of time over the past five years.

During my wife’s chemotherapy and radiation treatments for her cancer in 2004 and 2005, one sister spent more than 6 months living with us, and my other sister and mother also spent days or weeks living with us.

The sole reason: my wife and I couldn’t do all that needed doing to care for our four children at that time.  We needed help.  I could not fulfill the American ideal of doing it all myself, going it alone and triumphing in the end.  I couldn’t do it for myself, and I certainly couldn’t do it for my family.

That was very good for me because of the picture of God it demonstrated: kindness and mercy in a situation in which I did not have the ability to repay; giving good gifts I frequently did not even know I needed; encouraging me to lead my family and serve my wife and children, and helping me see how to do so.  They made much of God in their service to us.

And because they were all so gracious and kind in the midst of that truly horrible time, giving not just their service but their very hearts, we are all much closer for it. Sinful, finite, weak human beings, knit closer together because of need rather than what we can ‘do’ for each other.

God wants us even more dependent on him than that.  He wants to give us the greatest gift – himself! – rather than leave us alone in our sin and puny, selfish existence.  He wants us to experience ever increasing joy in and with him forever, because only he can do that!  As Pastor John has helpfully taught us, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.”

Many people are at least familiar with Psalm 40:17 because of the heartfelt cry of David in a time of great trouble:

As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!

Pause, however, and remember how David set it up in verse 16:

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, “Great is the Lord!”

Seek the Lord!  Rejoice and be glad in that Lord!  The Lord takes thought of the poor and needy!

And sometimes that thought is sending an army of women who want to make much of God by serving me, or you.  And I am very glad for it!

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The Helpful Things People Say or Do

Posted in Helpful things on August 28, 2009| 1 Comment »

A while back we had a series on some of the difficult things that people say to us, and how we respond.  Dianne has reminded me it is time to turn to some helpful things people have said or done.

After 14 years of living with Paul and almost five years with Dianne’s cancer, I have a lot of things!  God has been merciful to bring people into our lives, sometimes just for a moment, and sometimes for years or decades.

But it was easy to think of who to concentrate on this morning, because in a couple of hours my family will be packing up to go celebrate a special weekend with them.

The reason:  60 years of marriage!  Isn’t that something!  The legacy of Harland and Pauline (Larimore) Knight includes three children, nine grandchildren and now four great-grandchildren!  The stories of their faithfulness to me and to my sisters could go on a very long time.

So, they might show up a few times in this series, but I’ll give you just a taste right now:

Paul was born without eyes, the first of his disabilities we would discover.  Surgeons in Minnesota could not adequately address his under-developed eye sockets, which would result, over time, in some very significant problems in his facial development.  In the entire United States, there were only two doctors who had developed two different techniques to address issues like this. We chose the clinic and doctor in Indianapolis.

Since we live in Minnesota, this obviously meant traveling and finding lodging and dealing with a hundred details associated with the medical procedure for our very young boy. And we would have none of the comforts of home we had learned could be helpful for Paul in his recovery.

Grandma and Grandpa’s solution?  Drop everything (that statement doesn’t have the impact that it should. Winona, MN practically stops working when they leave town, such is the number of things they do to serve people there.  I’ve stopped counting the number of service awards they’ve received because I can’t count that high!), throw a rocking chair in the trunk (not as easy as it sounds), drive 500 miles one way, and spend days in the middle of an emotional storm with their son and daughter-in-law taking turns rocking their grandson.

Because they knew Paul liked to be rocked.  And they knew Dianne and I would need some time alone together in that strange place to process what was happening, or just to rest. And because they simply couldn’t not do something.

So, I am a grateful son who can say of his mother:

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.  She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:26-29

And if I have learned anything in how to serve my family, it is because of my father:

Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?  1 Timothy 3:2-5

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

More stories to come.  And I hope you will consider contributing by sharing the helpful things people have done or said to you!

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