The Works of God

My wife recently enjoyed a great evening with other moms of children with disabilities.

Apparently the subject of “things people say to us” came up. 

A popular one we have all heard is “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  Generally in a group of parents with disabled children, people will either start to laugh uproariously at how ridiculous this is, or begin to weep at the burden of constantly not measuring up.  Why?  Because disability is hard and we know it is way more than we can handle.

This statement is particularly hard because it sounds scriptural, sort of: 

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Pastor John wrote a nice article on this text way back in 1976, and this recent blog entry by Aaron Armstrong on Blogging Theologically also does a good job examining the 1 Corinthians 10:13 text. 

But even knowing this more accurate biblical context, how do you respond when somebody says that to you? 

Here are a few things I try to keep in mind:

• They mean well.  They don’t generally get it (otherwise they wouldn’t say it), but they really want to say something helpful.  And they certainly don’t want to make things harder on us.
• They are usually REALLY happy not to have to deal with what you have been given.  From that viewpoint, they do understand something of your situation; you probably wouldn’t have chosen to deal with it, either.
• They are exposing their understanding of who God is, and are opening a door for you to explain who God really is.  God wants us to be entirely dependent on him (see Psalm 40 for how good this is!), because that is the kindest thing possible.  We will not learn dependence on God if we can ‘handle’ it ourselves.
• God understands what he has given us ‘to handle’ and knows exactly how it will bring him glory and will work out for our good.
• I know that if I respond in anger (or worse, with violence), that I have just extended the amount of time I need to deal with this statement.  And, yes, I have wanted to punch people in the nose who have said this to me.  Just not lately, because God continues to teach me his character and how good he really is to me in light of my sin.

 So, as I think about it, I am considering saying this the next time I hear that statement said to me: 

Thank you for wanting to encourage me.  In fact, God does give me more than I can handle, and I am grateful to experience his strength in my weakness.

What do you think of that?  Would that make things better or worse?

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For several months I’ve been reading Theology, Disability and the New Genetics: Why Science Needs the Church.  It is a dense book (I frequently have to read things two or three times just to begin to understand what these doctors, scientists, philosophers and theologians are writing), filled with essays from a symposium by the same name held in 2005 at the University of Aberdeen.  I am grateful to God for the abilities I see evidenced in this book, some forming significant arguments in defense of those living with disabilities.  Some, however, write in ways that are both clever and dangerous to those individuals not-yet-born who have disabilities.

Occasionally I become concerned about how arguments are framed in defense of individuals with disabilities.  They come periously close to the arguments used by those who believe that babies with disabilities are better off aborted, or those who see older people with disabilities as entirely liabilities for which society should not have to pay.  Why should we expect that using the same arguments with different information will work?

For example, Bernd Wannenwetsch, in his complicated, sophisticated essay he prepared for that 2005 symposium entitled, “Angels with Clipped Wings: the Disabled as Key to the Recognition of Personhood,” writes:

Hans Reinders points out the significance of a ‘transformation experience’ that those who care for the disabled often undergo and testify.  A peculiar transformation happens as the focus shifts from agonizing about the experience of a multiform hardship that is thought to await them to theactual experience of living with this particular human being and the multiform way in which they find themselves managing and growing in the process of facing difficulties as they actual (sic) encounter them. (Theology, Disability and the New Genetics, p. 194)

The problem with that statement isn’t that it is wrong – it is entirely true in my experience, and for many parents of children with disabilities that I know.

The problem is that it is an argument based on utility.  In this case, caring for a person with a disability results in the benefit of personal transformation.  Because there is a benefit, the person with the disability has value.  That is an extremely dangerous place to land.

It is much the same case I find myself making at times; I have told countless people that being Paul’s dad and dealing with the daily issues related to disability have been worth it for all the benefits that I have accrued. Others agree that this is a good argument to make.  Frequently I have seen comments on blogs and in editorials arguing from the benefits experienced.  It does not take long to find someone (like me) saying or writing, “if only people could experience the love and joy I receive from my child, they would understand his worth.”

Unfortunately, someone who does not want to deal with all the complications of raising a child with a disability can make the same argument with equal intellectual integrity and greater societal approval: “I do not want to put someone else through such pain and suffering, nor do I want to experience such deep pain and suffering personally, nor are the benefits of such a transformation observably sufficient for me to want to deal with this issue for the rest of my life.”  Combined with a cultural expectation, often reinforced by doctors, that such a life isn’t worth living, we see the results in the declining numbers of children being born who have identifiable disabilities in the womb.

So, if highlighting benefits isn’t the best argument, what is?  Justin Taylor writes Between Two Worlds and consistently provides good resources to help make better arguments in defense of pre-born children, including children with disabilities.  His blog just yesterday introduced me to yet another author who sounds promising.

As one who celebrates the sovereignty of God in ALL things, the best argument I can make is one based on what I see from the Bible, which also makes me frequently look foolish to those who do not believe either the Bible’s authority as God’s word or the sovereignty of God in all things.  But it is the best one I have: who God intentionally creates, I will serve in the strength God provides, for his glory and for my good.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?” Exodus 4:11

Whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 4:11b

 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:40

Ultimately, the transformation we should be talking about isn’t the one we experience from parenting a child with a disability, it is the eternal transformation that comes from faith in Jesus, understanding ourselves as entirely sin-filled and needing an imputed righteousness only Jesus can provide because only he is sinless.  I deserve far worse than parenting my son with disabilities. Knowing that this God who can create out of nothing and who provides a savior to deal with my sin is also going to provide for all of my needs in parenting puts things into their proper perspective: a few decades dealing with disability will be as nothing someday, whether or not I experience any benefits at all from raising a child with a disability.  The fact that I do experience benefits in raising this particular child, who will never earn an income and who will never live on his own, is all grace and mercy, and entirely undeserved.

Dr. Wannenwetsch follows up what I quoted from his essay, not standing on that single argument but pressing into the definition of personhood in ways I find encouraging:

This is why we can say that the life of a human being that we perceive as ‘disabled’ or ‘retarded’ is central instead of peripheral to the language-game of personhood.  It is so because of its critical character – critical not in terms of the ontological question in regard to ‘them’ (are they a fully human being?) but in terms of the challenge it puts to us: our moral response to its challenge on our expectations, career-planning, general outlook in life, both in individuals and in society at large. (p. 196)

In other words, don’t waste the opportunity to bring that disabled baby into the world; he or she is central to how you will understand and respond to everything. And I would add, that life is important to God.

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Frequently I hear from parents what I have also experienced – that our children with disabilities bring qualities and a sweetness into our lives that we would have never received but for their disabilities.  And frequently our children’s disabilities, and the extraordinary difficulties of parenting a child who is different in this culture, are the very means by which God demonstrates his power and mercy in our lives.  The promises of God become very precious.

But do we believe every promise is for our children with disabilities, particularly for those children with disabilities that make them very vulnerable and weak?

Consider this familiar passage from Romans 8:35-39.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

 “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I love the not-being-separated part, for myself and for my son.  I understand about being slaughtered for God’s sake.  I love the ‘for I am sure’ part as well.  But ‘more than a conqueror’?  How can that be for my very small, vulnerable, blind son with autism?

Pastor John answers it for me in Don’t Waste Your Life (pp 96-97):

One biblical answer is that a conqueror defeats his enemy, but one who is more than a conqueror subjugates his enemy. A conqueror nullifies the purpose of his enemy; one who is more than a conqueror makes the enemy serve his own purposes. A conqueror strikes down his foe; one who is more than a conqueror makes his foe his slave.

Practically what does this mean? Let’s use Paul’s own words in 2 Corinthians 4:17: “This slight momentary affliction is preparing [effecting, or working, or bringing about] for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” Here we could say that “affliction” is one of the attacking enemies. What has happened in Paul’s conflict with it? It has certainly not separated him from the love of Christ. But even more, it has been taken captive, so to speak. It has been enslaved and made to serve Paul’s everlasting joy. “Affliction,” the former enemy, is now working for Paul. It is preparing for Paul “an eternal weight of glory.” His enemy is now his slave. He has not only conquered his enemy. He has more than conquered him.

So, my son, who’s days AND disabilities were planned for and implemented by my good and righteous God (Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.) for his glory – that son has already demonstrated he is more than a conqueror.  His disability, the very thing the enemy was using to shipwreck my faith, was the means God used and uses today to bring me to the cross.

Yes, Lord, I believe my boy is more than a conqueror through Jesus.  And this sweet, hard-to-hear song in this video takes on a new significance in light of that reality.  I imagine heaven rejoices and demons quake when this little boy sings about being in the Lord’s army.

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“What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”  (Luke 11:11-13 ESV)

Paul’s disabilities remind me that I really need help.  It is a gift that he encourages my dependence on God.

Paul, however, lives freely dependent.  He doesn’t need any reminding that his needs are entirely met by others, and he is not embarrassed about that at all.

He really lives a remarkably anxiety-free life for the most part (he doesn’t like dentists and he doesn’t like to exercise).  He has zero worries about his next meal, or whether he will have a place to sleep, or what clothes he will wear.

His joy is a pure joy, without guile.  No baggage from the past and no concerns about the future; just an in-the-moment enjoyment.  He’s a good example for me, and probably you.

And he had a pretty good birthday with people who love him.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
‘Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

From Amazing Grace by John Newton

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Seventeen is kind of a blah birthday.  Unlike sixteen, there’s no crossing of an imaginary line of maturity and responsibility represented by the ability to drive independently.  Unlike eighteen, there’s no radical change in status like the ability to vote and sign contracts.

So, Paul’s seventeenth birthday today has not been accompanied by any great emotional reflection or upheaval like last year.  I’m glad for that.  I’m not letting my guard down, though – I know how quickly I am prone to doubt and how the evil one would love to take advantage of any crack or complacency he sees in my treasuring Jesus above all things.

Like every other year of Paul’s life, this past one has had some significant complications.  We finally got the diagnosis of seizures last August after two years of frustration.  After months of tinkering with medications he has been free of seizures for a month.  We’re very grateful to God for that!  But the medications have side effects including sleepiness and now we have issues with his muscle tone and flexibility.

The need to trust God is constantly right in front of us because of this boy.  Maybe that’s Paul’s best gift to us – we recognize our neediness and dependency upon God!

So, with a mix of great gladness for this boy’s life mingled with some sadness, with God’s help I am able to say:

From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the LORD is to be praised!
(Psalm 113:3 ESV)

God used you to do that for me, son.  Happy Birthday!

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On Wednesday evening we were watching Dispatches from the Front, a wonderful, powerful look at what God is doing in various parts of the world in the midst of extreme poverty, violence, hostile leaders, and every other barrier you can imagine.

At the end of one episode the African congregation sang Amazing Grace.

Paul decided he should sing it as well.  I coaxed him to do it again for me.

I apologize for the volume and the lighting – we take what we can get when we can get it from this boy!

Obviously he also didn’t get all the words right, but it was still pretty cool and we were all very happy to hear him.  I believe Holy Spirit-filled worship was happening in our home on Wednesday!

Today also marks the 1,000th post at The Works of God.  Ironically, 500 Posts and Counting is still the most-viewed post in our 3+ year history.

Here’s the rest of the top five:

• Three Continents. Six Children Dead. Every Headline Mistaken
• Let us stand like this man
• Pastor John ruined my morning!
• Helpful Things: Pastors Who Love Their People

We’re not done yet. Lord willing, we’ll be back again tomorrow.

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