Many thanks to my friend, Jan Lacher, for writing this post today – JPK
This past Monday night, I cried some lukewarm tears.
My three older children played piano pieces for their yearly piano recitals. Christina played Firefly Fandango by Bober. David performed Beethoven’s Sonata, c#minor,Op.27#2, Adagio. My senior, Jonathon, performed Chopin’s famous Nocturne Eb Major. It was bitter-sweet listening to Jonathon, realizing that it would probably be his last performance that I would be privileged to hear. Eleven years of practice and recitals will be done. Sigh… Warm tears dripped onto my starched, white blouse even as I was biting my thumb nails and holding my breathe until it was over. Such is the torture of a parent.
At one point in the evening though, I had tears for another reason.
One of our good friend’s daughters, the youngest of six children, performed a phenomenal piece. Eight-year old Julia played A Touch of a Dream by Cuellar with beauty and grace. She is gifted musically, as her other siblings are.
While she performed it, I realized that she was only six weeks older than Michael. Michael seems so much younger. Of course, mentally, he is. I could not help noticing the contrast between her and Michael as she gracefully approached the grand piano and displayed her musical gifts even as Michael bounced away in his wheelchair in the church foyer.
I was not at all jealous of her ability. I was not envious. But, a deep sorrow set in at that realization, and lukewarm tears dripped, dripped, and dripped. I loved listening to the music and rejoiced with her parents at her beautiful performance. But, it was shadowed with the loss of all the possibilities that could have been for Michael.
How do I think about this without becoming overwhelmed with grief?
Events like piano recitals seem to punctuate disability with an exclamation point. I need to have a way to think about his life without becoming overwhelmed with grief. So in my mind, I am learning to shift my attention and fast-forward it to a time when some day, Michael will be made whole. There will be a time when he will have full functionality and will have the ability to learn “the masters” and so much more.
I look forward to that reality. But in the meantime, I am learning to be content and patient with the truth and hope that the Gospel brings. Maybe some day both Michael and I will have the opportunity, with perfection and zeal, to perform on a keyboard a duet called the Hungarian Rhapsody. I envision how with high drama we will smoke the keys together. Instead of lukewarm tears, there will be tears of joy and gladness.
What a glorious time that will be.
The Works of God 
Thanks for sharing the “mom-ness” of disability. I, too, have cried similar tears as my daughter’s friends attend their first proms, get their drivers’ licenses, and make grand plans for their future colleges, careers and families while we face a future of seemingly unknowns.
Thankfully, all is known to God and we moms of disabled kids can choose to rest in that. All that is really known for anyone in Christ is the ultimate future we will experience when we meet our Heavenly Father face to face!
Thanks John and Jan for sharing this perspective today.
Thank you so much for sharing this post, which uniquely spoke to my heart at just the perfect time. I thank God for all the wonderful encouragements the Lord gives through your blog.
John, (& Jan),
For believers, a least a part of the answer to your beautiful question: “How do I think about this without becoming overwhelmed with grief?” is to trust Jesus and to hope in the coming new Jerusalem where there will be no more tears, death, mourning, crying or pain. Rev 21:1-4
I’m confident that someday Jan and Michael (and you and Paul) will indeed either:
1) have the opportunity, with perfection and zeal, to perform on a keyboard a duet called the Hungarian Rhapsody and/or
2) have the opportunity to enjoy something 10,000 times better.
God Bless,
Tim
Jan,
I mourn with you and am looking forward to hearing that duet in heaven.
Kellie
This reminds me of a post I just wrote on my son’s website a couple of weeks ago! Thank you for sharing. I am so glad to have found The Works of God!
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/johnlawsonflorer
Gini
[…] 28, 2010 by John Knight Jan’s post from yesterday has been rattling around in my head along with this video that Noel Piper posted on her blog a few […]
Jan,
You always touch my heart & what a beautiful message this is. Michael is so lucky to have such a caring Mom. I must say, You were my strength when Lucas was going thru his ordeal, & i think about You & Michael a lot. I am a believer & By Gods grace anything is possible. I hope “The Almighty” will grant ur wishes Jan.
Love, Tigist.
I deal with this, struggle with this, on a daily basis. One of my twins regressed into autism. They’re just two minutes apart in age, but years apart in development. We’re making progress in terms of autism, and I rejoice in that, yet, some days, I grieve when one misses out on something age appropriate because of the autism. I ache. and cry.
Jan,
I am sitting in an internet cafe in Damascus, Syria and am overcome with hope because you believe. Thank you.
Wow…I my broken mommy heart craved this today…
Thank you…
…danielle
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